Paper Dolls

I remember being 9 or 10 years old and by myself with my parents. Bored to tears because we lived in Thailand where we had no TV during the day time (local channels come on at 4pm and there's no such thing as cable, only satellite TV and we didn't have that at our house). During the time off from school, I guess that would be 'summer' here, I would sit at home and draw, paint, sew, by myself.

One of my favorite things to do during those years was making paper dolls and creating paper clothes for them. I guess that's where I got the idea that I wanted to design clothes for a living at such a young age. I would read my mom's fashion magazines and mimic the clothes the models would wear and make them my own styles. My paper dolls were one dementional and that just wasn't as fun. So I asked my mom if she would teach me how to sew, she kept telling me yes she will but she never did. My aunt, mom's sister, who was only 10 years older than me offered to teach me how to hand stitch since that's all she knew how to do. I made tiny little clothes for my handmade doll that looked exactly like me.... long black hair.. pale skin (compared to all the Thai kids I went to school with). I made her clothes that I wanted to wear when I grew up.

My mom never really paid attention to what I was doing except that I made a mess in my room. I was so proud of my work, every piece or creation I made I showed my dad. He was proud of me too. Although I don't know if my dad could relate to my ideas, but he went with it. He even bought me a basket to put all my stuff into so I don't have it all over my room and he wouldn't have to listen to her complain about my messyness.

One day I came home from a neighbor's house to discover that my basket was gone. My mom and my aunt decided to give it away. I cried for days probably even weeks. Heck, it still hurts when I think about it. My dad was so mad at my mom and her sister for doing that. Although to this day I still don't believe that they 'gave it away'. More like threw it away.

I never looked at my mom or my aunt the same again. I don't know what their intensions were or what they were trying to do... was it a joke? Was it to let me know they didn't like my room messy? Was it jealousy?

My dad told me to just start over and he'll get me another doll to make clothes for. I told him no because I don't want the same thing to happen again. Eventhough he said it wouldn't, he's not home with me all day to deal with the daily things that go on in the house with my mom and her crazy family. My dad speaks English... my mom and I are the only 2 people in the house who can communicate with him... even my mom had a hard time.

Needless to say, my mom and I don't really have a good relationship. We have a relationship, but one that's not really a close mother-daughter bond. Never have and it's too late now.

I made a promise to myself that my daughter and I will have the relationship that my mom and I didn't have. I want her to actually come to me when she needs me. I couldn't do that with my mom, she would instantly deny my needs or judge me. I learned from it, I grew from it, I don't dwell on it. I think my mom is suffering the loss of times with me now.

So... when I was at Barnes & Noble yesterday and saw a magazine dedicated to paperdolls next to the scrapbooking section of the newstand. All of the above was what ran through my head and I felt the need to write it down.